THE MILLENNIAL QUESTIONNAIRE: COMPLETED

Let’s get this straight. When in college, everyone has been asked the same questions over and over again by adults who still dare to pinch their cheeks. We don’t want to answer them. We didn’t even want to see the interrogator in the first place.

The following is an answered questionnaire to be given to family members at your third-cousin’s birthday party, classmates who you haven’t seen you since 5th grade, and parents of old friends at the supermarket. Give this to them and quickly retreat to that safe place under your bed where you’ve been hiding in.

How are you?
Regretful that I’m here.

How old are you again?
Guess.

You’ve grown! How tall are you?
I haven’t grown since sophomore year of high school.

What college are you going to?
Not the one that my parents probably told you when I was applying to college. I ended up going to my fourth-choice college. I’d rather be a big fish in a small pond, anyway.

What’s your major?
It doesn’t matter. I’m working on my real passion during the evenings and weekends, y’know, my collection of short stories and dubstep remix of the latest Skrillex album.

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
My iPhone is good enough.

What are you up to these days?
Making sure that I never run into people that I used to know. Facebook is already a lot of pressure. By the way, have you checked out my latest Instagram photo?

What are you want going to do after college?
Go back to sleep.

What are you doing later? Let’s catch up.
No, thanks. I have plenty of friends that I’ve made after you came into my life. I’m actually much cooler now than before.

signout

Advertisements

SLEEP ALL NIGHT TO GET LUCKY

As the anticipated age of 20 hath approacheth, it is inevitable for me to check-in with my life. I should not be slipping off-track, but making sure I’m just the right amount of “off the beaten path.” Most of the time, I try to assure myself with my “consoling mind” that the path I am currently paving is the right one because it is my own. However, a pressure to compare myself to the people I look up to creates a pressure to imitate them.

12am

Every night at 12:00 AM, my iPhone alarm goes off asking me if I have accomplished my day’s duties. I try to make myself accountable. I make rules for myself. No Twitter for more than 30 minutes. Do not play more than five games of Dots. No sneaking into the pantry for sugary cereal. So, I set that alarm. Then somewhere between 2:30 and 3:15 PM, I have successfully made a textbook list of loopholes to my own rules (the same goes for my New Year’s resolutions). I can spend 10 more minutes on Twitter because 2 people favorited my tweet that I thought would be too intellectual. One more game of Dots. I won’t eat Frosted Flakes, but I will have two servings of the Quaker Oats Cinnamon Squares because they’re healthier. Okay, two more games of Dots. I am my own greatest enemy…and a strategic one at that.

Then as 11:55 PM rolls around and I am on my 79th game of Dots, I wonder how many plays or blog posts I could have written today. Mindy Kaling wrote plays in college, and yet I have none. Then my “consoling mind” kicks in thinking that Mindy did not have Dots when she was in college. If she did have an iPhone, then she would have totally been spending time on that game the whole day, too! Right? I hope so.

I have no published works on the Internet yet, which is the ubiquitous and most narcissistic complaint of every Millennial (and Journalism student). Then I think that Tina Fey was the editor-in-chief of her school newspaper. Great, so am I. Check. Lena Dunham grew up in Brooklyn. So did I…in the completely opposite side of Brooklyn. But anyway, check.

I like to start blogs and projects because my optimistic mind goes into overdrive thinking that I could totally get sponsors that will pay me for writing. I am not even close to getting there and that dream seems hopelessly far away. This essay, however, was not sponsored by the makers of Dots; however I would endorse it if you like to waste time. Then again, some nights I get lucky. Lucky enough to fall asleep through my alarm, never having to face the fact that today was yet another lazy day in the life of a Millennial.

signout