PINTEREST, YOUR BEST FRIEND WHO DOESN’T ANSWER YOUR TEXTS

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Pinterest is that cool girl in school that you want to be seen walking with down the hallway. She texts you, like, all the time. At first you loved it when she emailed you, “Let’s hang out on the lawn,” but then after two weeks, you stopped responding because you saw the lawn and there were already 40,000 girls there. She obviously doesn’t need you to come to the lawn, even though you know there’d be amazing, tiny cookies shaped like butterflies and characters from GIRLS. You’re tempted to text her back, but you know she’ll keep texting you anyway to invite you to a Gatsby-themed party with vintage beads and pink chandeliers.

That one time when it was raining, you almost, almost made a “My Dream Wedding” board with Pinterest. You started looking for backyard/country themed reception spots and the top 10 places to have your rehearsal dinners in New York City. You almost went down the rabbit hole of picking which minimalist, yet fantasy wedding dress you’d get, but you realized, “Wait. This is Pinterest. What am I doing? It stopped raining 3 hours ago.”

Things got a bit weird with you two when FANCY started to get into the picture. FANCY was the hipster boy you couldn’t stop scrolling down on. He was a bit geeky, but in the hot way. He knew the latest gadgets, like the weird new heating mug that came from Japan. Pinterest stepped up her game and e-mailed you some more. FANCY was still cool, but not as popular as Pinterest. Everyone knew who Pinterest was, so you decided to hang out with her again since it was more convenient to link with your original friends, Facebook and Twitter. They all clicked.

You’re always tempted to hang out with Pinterest, even though you know she’s too perfect and you’ll never be able to make that vegan spinach crepe with toasted almonds recipe with her. She sends you another email saying, “It’s a mason jar party!”

You respectfully decline and unsubscribe from the mailing list.

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BREAKING: SOCIAL MEDIA PRINCESS LEAVES INTERNET

Jordan DunnWe all know why you post your Instagrams of clean eating and $3000 juice bottle packs. I feel obligated to “like” your Lo-Fi filtered picture of your mirror pic at the gym, too. You want us to know that you are trying to be a good human. Thanks for letting us know that you’re taking better shits. You have the same place in my heart that Jaime Lee Curtis and her yogurt have.

Now just how am I supposed to brag to you about the fact that it has been a solid month since I have connected to WiFi? I have no access to Instagram to prove it nor Twitter to publish my feelings. I want all of you to know that I am looking at life through my eyes and not my camera lens.  I need to “check-in” to museums and parks on Foursquare. I need to show you that I have not downloaded the Twitter/Instagram software update yet, and that I am actually shaking from not being able to iMessage.

So am I supposed to just send all of my followers a handwritten letter with a drawing of some latté art?

I have been forced into going cold turkey. The side effects that come with going cold turkey are the same for overcoming any addiction. I should clarify, however, that being in Europe and not connected to WiFi is not the same thing as going on an “e-cleanse.” An “e-cleasne” is voluntary, and the fact that we have to call “living life” a name such as “e-cleanse” is doing great things for our virtual generation.

So while I cannot tell you how miserable I am that I cannot play on Tinder, I’ll just have to share with you what it is like being WiFi-less. It’s like when your mom told you that you cannot eat ice cream or else it will ruin your dinner. It’s not as bad as getting your seat taken at Starbucks, however, it’s almost worse.

Being unconnected to WiFi…this is as close as I’ve come to going on a juice cleanse.

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Photo by Alasdair McLellan

WHAT I LOVE: FOR THE NERDS & NERDETTES!

Throughout the week, I spend a lot of time online and off to consume information and stories that fuel me for conversations with friends, essay topics, and simply to expand my frame of reference. Most times, 140 characters isn’t enough to share what I love, so every week I will share what I read, watched, or learned for all the world to see. It’s also my time to “get real” with y’all. Let’s be smarter together!

Attention, nerds and nerdettes…or those who want to join the club!

1. Podcasts!

Give podcasts a try. Before bed, in the car, or in the background. The information will sink in. My most favorites are the comedy podcasts which feature interviews with funny people, because who doesn’t like to laugh? Oh, you don’t? Then try Welcome to Night Vale. They’re free. And when my friends tell me about downloading Miley’s latest album, I’m all like, “Have you listened to that interview Terry Gross had with Justin Timberlake?!”

For starters: Comedy Bang Bang, Nerdist, WTF with Marc Maron, and This American Life

Podcasts for Starters

2. Documentaries

Maybe because it is my birthday coming up, but I spent the entire last week being “sick.” It’s great that I still live at home because being “sick” means staying in bed and watching Wheel of Fortune. The rest of the day, I devote to documentaries. As a self-proclaimed fashion and broadway aficionado (I’m probably not by public standards), these top three documentaries were my favorite. First Position even prompted me to start taking ballet classes again, which I will write about in an upcoming post!

Ladies and gays: The September Issue, Every Little Step, and First Position

Favorite Documentaries

3. La Petite Fashionista: Blogger Coffee Date

Now that you’ve made it to No. 3, I’m assuming you like my blog. My goal is to make you love it. Well, one of my favorite bloggers, La Petite Fashionista, is there to assist me. I recently went on a Blogger Coffee Date with Lauren and after an hour, I’ve got five full pages of notes and an endless amount of ideas. If you want to expand your blog or need some assistance in the social media area of the world, then you should totally check it out! I ended the Skype session feeling pumped to write and spend more time…on the computer. “Yes!” to staying in more! You ready?

La Petite Fashionista Blogger Coffee Date

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PEOPLE I DON’T #FF

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Five years ago, I would come home to Facebook like it was my on-and-off boyfriend. Now, I’ve abandoned it for the newer, cooler model that’s ready for a long-term relationship. Even 13-year-olds aren’t exactly privy to the cultist status that Facebook used to have. Also, I’m just not having it with the subtle “my life is better than yours” photo albums.

Now that Twitter and I have established ourselves, I am in a point in our relationship where I am comfortable with pointing out its flaws. (Disclaimer: There is never a safe time to point out each other’s flaws; I am just describing a website!) Let’s be honest, there are people we follow on Twitter that can make or break our day and timeline. It’s time to call them out.

Here is a list of people you should try to avoid being on Twitter. And the safest boundary to be on Twitter is always a funny lady. Or Horse_ebooks.

  1. The Hypochondriac: The Twitter status box is not the WebMD symptom checker. Do not feel free to list your health symptoms or feelings. Your followers are not your doctor…unless your pediatrician really is following you.

  2. A Life Coach or Tony Robbins: You’re the people who post motivational/inspirational/religious quotes in the hope that you’re making someone’s day. That’s what the comments section of FOX News is for, my friends.

  3. The Subliminal Tweeter: I get it. That tweet you just tweeted was directed towards me. Can’t you just text me?

  4. Tweeter Before Texter: I texted you, then you tweet something instead of replying to me. Bitch.

  5. ThEsE PeOpLe or TH1$ P3R$0N

I’m certainly not here to tell you how you should tweet. I’m just someone who wishes that everyone will have the same television viewing schedule as I do, or that Beyonce would reveal her new do hours before I decide to sleep. Since the world will most likely NOT sing Destiny Child’s Cater 2 U as an ode to me, I won’t dictate your Twitter habits.

Twitter is my Narnia, don’t ruin it for me.

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P.S. Follow me on Twitter? Did I miss anyone?