THE MILLENNIAL QUESTIONNAIRE: COMPLETED

Let’s get this straight. When in college, everyone has been asked the same questions over and over again by adults who still dare to pinch their cheeks. We don’t want to answer them. We didn’t even want to see the interrogator in the first place.

The following is an answered questionnaire to be given to family members at your third-cousin’s birthday party, classmates who you haven’t seen you since 5th grade, and parents of old friends at the supermarket. Give this to them and quickly retreat to that safe place under your bed where you’ve been hiding in.

How are you?
Regretful that I’m here.

How old are you again?
Guess.

You’ve grown! How tall are you?
I haven’t grown since sophomore year of high school.

What college are you going to?
Not the one that my parents probably told you when I was applying to college. I ended up going to my fourth-choice college. I’d rather be a big fish in a small pond, anyway.

What’s your major?
It doesn’t matter. I’m working on my real passion during the evenings and weekends, y’know, my collection of short stories and dubstep remix of the latest Skrillex album.

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
My iPhone is good enough.

What are you up to these days?
Making sure that I never run into people that I used to know. Facebook is already a lot of pressure. By the way, have you checked out my latest Instagram photo?

What are you want going to do after college?
Go back to sleep.

What are you doing later? Let’s catch up.
No, thanks. I have plenty of friends that I’ve made after you came into my life. I’m actually much cooler now than before.

signout

THE LEGEND OF THE UNPAID INTERN

INTERN

In the spirit of Halloween, spooks, and horror, let’s talk about one of the most frightening things to ever happen to our generation– internships.

Conde Nast announced last week that their internship program will be ending after being sued by a series of former interns. Naturally, it blew up on Twitter and upset all the aspiring Carrie Bradshaw’s out there. It’s unfortunate, but in my opinion, the interns should have asked for secure jobs instead of suing them. *WINK*

A ubiquitous complaint among college students is the eagerness to graduate and get out there. What’s so special about rushing into “real life” anyway? It’s a classic case of the “grass is greener on the other side of the…diploma.” It all seems better when we trade the sweatpants for dress suits and our dignity for minimum wage. Internships are a great preview into that lifestyle. But just like our first time at summer camp, we want to go home after two days.

Internships are indeed valuable. It’s a great source of experience and enough labor to know that that is not what you want to do for the rest of your life. So to relieve the stress of looking for internships or currently having one, I’ve compiled a list of things to do in between answering phone calls.

(Note: the following advice is coming from someone who cried and quit her first job as a babysitter after one day)

HOW TO MAKE THE BEST OF YOUR UNPAID INTERNSHIPS:

  • Use your free time to think about all your life’s mistakes and regrets
  • You could be laying in bed watching New Girl, so instead, write your own plotlines
  • Over-analyze the text that you just sent to your potentially significant other
  • Eavesdrop on the conversations behind you because they could be the storyline to your hit HBO series
  • Talk to everyone…who is willing to speak with you like you aren’t an “unpaid intern”
  • Realize that your hero in life (Beyonce) released her hit song, Baby Boy, when she was 21

And remember, millions of girls would kill to have your dress suit.

signout