PINTEREST, YOUR BEST FRIEND WHO DOESN’T ANSWER YOUR TEXTS

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Pinterest is that cool girl in school that you want to be seen walking with down the hallway. She texts you, like, all the time. At first you loved it when she emailed you, “Let’s hang out on the lawn,” but then after two weeks, you stopped responding because you saw the lawn and there were already 40,000 girls there. She obviously doesn’t need you to come to the lawn, even though you know there’d be amazing, tiny cookies shaped like butterflies and characters from GIRLS. You’re tempted to text her back, but you know she’ll keep texting you anyway to invite you to a Gatsby-themed party with vintage beads and pink chandeliers.

That one time when it was raining, you almost, almost made a “My Dream Wedding” board with Pinterest. You started looking for backyard/country themed reception spots and the top 10 places to have your rehearsal dinners in New York City. You almost went down the rabbit hole of picking which minimalist, yet fantasy wedding dress you’d get, but you realized, “Wait. This is Pinterest. What am I doing? It stopped raining 3 hours ago.”

Things got a bit weird with you two when FANCY started to get into the picture. FANCY was the hipster boy you couldn’t stop scrolling down on. He was a bit geeky, but in the hot way. He knew the latest gadgets, like the weird new heating mug that came from Japan. Pinterest stepped up her game and e-mailed you some more. FANCY was still cool, but not as popular as Pinterest. Everyone knew who Pinterest was, so you decided to hang out with her again since it was more convenient to link with your original friends, Facebook and Twitter. They all clicked.

You’re always tempted to hang out with Pinterest, even though you know she’s too perfect and you’ll never be able to make that vegan spinach crepe with toasted almonds recipe with her. She sends you another email saying, “It’s a mason jar party!”

You respectfully decline and unsubscribe from the mailing list.

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IN DEFENSE OF THE “STAYCATION”

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If you’ve ever Instagram’d an indulgent picture of yourself on vacation just to make your 256 followers jealous, then maybe you should skip reading this. Do you click “Book A Flight” to the Andes while your student loans are scratching your wallet? Maybe you should stop reading.

There really is no good way to mock someone who likes to travel, mainly because I love travelling myself. Recently, though, I have discovered the glorified “staycation” and art of humility. Because if you’re sick and tired of scrolling through your NewsFeed only to truly dislike all the pictures of your “friends” in the Jersey Shore, then you’re like me. But seriously, who goes to the Jersey Shore, anyway?

Before there was Facebook or Instagram, I was a pretentious 7-year-old who used her mouth as a way of boasting my recent escapades. I would brag how I have stayed in three of the top ten resorts on the Eastern Seaboard, and would tease someone for confusing the Hyatt for the Hilton. Then on a class trip to the New York Aquarium in the third grade, little me was smacked emotionally in my little head. Since the cheese bus always made me nervous, I started a conversation with my classmate who I shared the seat with, “So where did you go on your summer vacation?” With a grin on her face, she says, “The mall.” It was then that I realized, that she probably has never been on an airplane as many times as I had. It’s okay, she eventually became my best friend.

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Now a humble college student, I have learned to bring my humility down even further with a staycation. The term was added into the Merriam-Webster Dictionary in 2005, just in time for the 2008 Great Recession, when its usage may have been worn out. Now that Summer 2013 is coming to a close and we are hopefully hearing the last of Blurred Lines or Get Lucky or We Can’t Stop, a recent survey has declared death to the staycation. As a college student who is getting ready for her future of living in New York City, I will stand by the staycation!

Alas, it may just be impossible to save on cost during “vacation time” anymore. I have to pay $20 just to be admitted to my own beach. If you ask me, choosing to lay on a bunch of sand mixed with cigarette ash and water bottles while staring at sweaty, obese, naked people, should only cost me my free will…which is slowly getting expensive.

I think it’s time we redefine “staycation.” There is only one method to getting away from everyone and everything we know at a price of $0. This deal cannot be found anywhere else. The only way is to…switch off our phones. No Facebook. No Instagram. No Twitter. No nothing. Just a complete silence and release of our sixth sense, which is our smartphone.

Note: This deal is only valid for five minutes. If more than five minutes, then symptoms of withdrawal start kicking in. Mom, can we go to the Hamptons instead?

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Paul’s Daughter, Coney Island, NY

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P.S. How do YOU “staycation”?

CRITICAL ACCLAIM FOR MY NEW BLOG

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“Hey, I’m going to start a blog. I have too much to say and no one to say it to.” -Me, Jessica Joyce, 19

“You said that last year.” -Jack, Father of Jessica

“Be careful. Don’t talk to any creeps. Can they see your face?”  -Fe, Mother of Jessica

“Buzz Lightyear and beyond!”  -Brent, Nephew of Jessica, 3

“This blog sucks! Go put on some makeup!”  -The Internet, probably

“Your essays lack a sense of depth along with a poor and deficient writing ability.”  -Jessica’s New York History Professor with really bad hair

“Windows antivirus software has detected two spyware viruses in your system. If you continue, all current programs and documents will be lost.”  -Jessica’s Lenovo ThinkPad Laptop, 3