Let’s get this straight. When in college, everyone has been asked the same questions over and over again by adults who still dare to pinch their cheeks. We don’t want to answer them. We didn’t even want to see the interrogator in the first place.
The following is an answered questionnaire to be given to family members at your third-cousin’s birthday party, classmates who you haven’t seen you since 5th grade, and parents of old friends at the supermarket. Give this to them and quickly retreat to that safe place under your bed where you’ve been hiding in.
How are you?
Regretful that I’m here.
How old are you again?
You’ve grown! How tall are you?
I haven’t grown since sophomore year of high school.
What college are you going to?
Not the one that my parents probably told you when I was applying to college. I ended up going to my fourth-choice college. I’d rather be a big fish in a small pond, anyway.
What’s your major?
It doesn’t matter. I’m working on my real passion during the evenings and weekends, y’know, my collection of short stories and dubstep remix of the latest Skrillex album.
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
My iPhone is good enough.
What are you up to these days?
Making sure that I never run into people that I used to know. Facebook is already a lot of pressure. By the way, have you checked out my latest Instagram photo?
What are you want going to do after college?
Go back to sleep.
What are you doing later? Let’s catch up.
No, thanks. I have plenty of friends that I’ve made after you came into my life. I’m actually much cooler now than before.